Ep.81 Self Sabotage and Control: Why Breaking It Yourself Feels Safer Than Waiting

Have you ever noticed that the thing you actually want most just never seems to show up, no matter how hard you try? You've done the healing work. You know the tools. And somehow it still doesn't arrive, and you can't figure out why.

This episode is about that exact question, and it's not really about goals or manifesting. It's about high functioning anxiety and the specific way fear runs your thinking, your actions, and your behavior without you ever clocking it as fear while it's happening. Because the version of you who's scared can never build the life of the version of you who already has what she wants. They cannot coexist.

I've used this exact formula on my own panic attacks, my fear of death, my fear of being alone. And this week, sitting down to record, I caught myself stuck in it again. Just wearing a different costume this time.

So instead of waiting until I had it all figured out, I'm walking you through my process in real time, right here.

Let's get into it.

Listen to the full episode here

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Top Takeaways on Fear, Control, and Why You Keep Proving Yourself Right

1. The thing you want most can't show up from the version of you still living in fear

Almost five years ago, I walked away from being a hairstylist after 17 years. It wasn't serving me anymore, and I was tired of sitting with people who only wanted to bitch and complain about their lives with no interest in what could actually change. That's the road that led me here, to hypnotherapy, to this podcast, to sitting down with you right now.

And this week, sitting down to record, I caught myself in it again. I have an event coming up called the Self-Love Chamber, and every time I host something like this, the same fear shows up. That I'm not helping enough people. That if they don't show up, I don't have a purpose.

I obsess over how many downloads each episode gets. I second guess my marketing, the ads I put out, whether I'm even directing the right people my way. All of that feels like problem solving. It's not. It's fear running the show.

You cannot think, act, and behave from fear and expect to create the life of the version of you who already has it. They are mutually exclusive. The fear personality and the trusting personality live completely different lives, and you have to choose which one you're building.

2. We doubt our faith, but we never doubt our doubts

Have you ever caught yourself looking for the evidence that confirms you're not enough? That it's not working, and it's never going to happen?

That's what this pattern actually is. We doubt our faith constantly. We second guess the thing we want, we ask if it's really possible, we prepare ourselves for it not working out. But our fears, our doubts, we almost never question those the same way.

Why aren't we catching our fears and just calling them what they are? A fucking lie.

So when are you going to start doubting the doubt instead of the dream?

3. Betrayal teaches you to brace, test people, and wait for the other shoe to drop

Every fear has an emotional vibration underneath it, and that vibration dictates who you keep being. Betrayal is one of the clearest examples.

If you've been betrayed and now fear being betrayed again, watch how you show up. You get guarded. You test people. You wait for the other shoe to drop before it's even happened, bracing for something that hasn't occurred yet.

That bracing isn't protecting you. It's building the exact same experience all over again, because you cannot think, act, and behave from fear of betrayal and expect to build trust.

So who would you have to become to never be betrayed again? Not by controlling anyone else, but by being radically honest about your own energy, your own thoughts, coming from respect and being seen instead of bracing to be hurt. This isn't only about the big traumas either. It's a pattern that repeats every time any fear shows up, big or small, whether that's a relationship, a job, or a podcast.

4. Your fear isn't that you're not enough, it's that you're powerful beyond measure

Marianne Williamson wrote it in her book, A Return to Love: our fear is not that we are inadequate, our fear is that we're more powerful beyond measure. Because if that's true, who would we actually be?

Let me bring that back down to earth, because it can sound like a massive, overwhelming concept. Maybe your version of this is looking in the mirror and realizing you keep tugging at your clothes, feeling uncomfortable in your own body. That's not vanity. That's a fear of not being enough exactly as you are right now.

Sometimes you're not going to be inspired into changing. Sometimes it has to start from desperation, from being fucking done playing small, and that's not a lesser reason to change than inspiration is.

Change is not easy. It's a constant pivot, not a one time decision that sticks forever. It's constant awareness, constant reevaluation, constantly catching yourself and deciding that's not who you want to be. It's not a straight line. It's completely up and down, and that up and down isn't failure. That's just what real change actually looks like.

How to Catch Yourself Thinking, Acting, and Behaving From Fear

Here's what I want you to actually take into your week, the same process I'm using on myself right now.

Step 1: Notice what you're actually thinking, doing, and how you're behaving

Not after the fact. In the moment, if you can catch it. Are these thoughts solving anything, or are they just fear dressed up as problem solving?

Step 2: Ask if this is the version of you who already has what she wants

Would she be obsessing over this? Second guessing this? If the answer is no, you know exactly where you're standing.

Step 3: Name the specific fear underneath it

Not the vague, generic anxiety. The actual fear. Betrayal. Not being enough. Being seen and rejected. Naming it takes away some of its power.

Step 4: Ask who you'd have to become to never live inside that fear again

Not by controlling anyone or anything else, but by being radically honest with your own energy and what you actually want.

Step 5: Let desperation count as a starting point

You don't need to feel inspired to take the first step. You just need to be done.

None of this is a one time fix, and I want to be honest with you about that. Awareness has to become a practice you keep returning to, not a box you check once and never think about again.

Common Patterns to Watch For

• •Calling second guessing "being responsible." Obsessing over numbers, outcomes, or whether you're doing something right can feel like diligence. Most of the time, it's fear running the show in a nicer outfit.
• •Bracing for betrayal without naming it. Testing people, staying guarded, waiting for the other shoe to drop before anything has actually gone wrong, all of it keeps you building the exact experience you're afraid of.
• •Waiting for inspiration before you'll move. If you're waiting to feel ready or excited before you take the scary step, you might be waiting a long time. Desperation is allowed to be the thing that finally gets you moving.

You're not doing anything wrong by noticing these in yourself. Noticing is the whole first step.

I would love to hear. Send me a DM and tell me the fear you caught yourself in this week.

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

• Marianne Williamson's book, A Return to Love
• The FUCK Anxiety podcast if you want to catch up on past episodes
• This week only: If this episode is landing for you, come work through your exact fear with me in person. The Self-Love Chamber is October 3rd and 4th, just $47, and capped at 20 women so it stays intimate. We go through this in real time, together, ending with a group hypnosis that shifts it at the root. A few seats are already gone. Sign up for The Self-Love Chamber here.
• If the timing isn't right for the Chamber, start tonight instead with the free 5 Minute Nervous System Reset, something you can use the second the fear shows up.

Work With Me

If this episode named something you've been circling for a while, that's not a coincidence. You don't have to keep white knuckling your way through it alone.

In my 1:1 sessions, we go beyond talking about the fear. We go into the root of it, into the subconscious, where the identity underneath it actually shifts. Not generic advice. Your exact situation, your exact fear, worked through in real time.

What changes is simple to say and hard to overstate. You stop thinking, acting, and behaving from fear, and you start building from a version of yourself who already trusts it's working.

If that's calling to you, let's map it out together. Book a Freedom Roadmap Session. No pitch. No pressure. Just clarity.

And if this episode met you where you are, do me a favor. Follow the show, download it, and leave a review on Apple Podcasts so another woman who feels exactly like you do can find it.

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