If you can't rest even when you're exhausted, and the second you stop producing you feel guilty, like you're getting away with something, this one is for you.
This week on FUCK Anxiety I'm talking about high-functioning anxiety and the belief hiding underneath it: I only matter when I'm useful. When you're not creating, helping, achieving, or serving someone, you feel like you're wasting your time. There's always one more certification, one more offer, one more win standing between you and finally feeling enough.
I'm in a quiet season right now. Not producing much, waiting for the next chapter to show itself. And I caught myself running the exact program I teach my clients to dissolve. I led a group hypnosis for a room full of women who told me how it moved them, and three hours later I asked a tarot reader, am I even reaching anyone?
So this episode is me being really honest about what that belief is made of, where it started, and how to catch it a little sooner each time.
Let's get into it.
What You'll Learn in This Episode
- Why you feel guilty when you rest: and why it shows up even when you're exhausted and know you need it
- How high-functioning anxiety turns your worth into a transaction: the doing, the helping, the achieving, the being noticed
- Why doing becomes the identity for high-functioning women: so when the doing stops, it doesn't feel like rest, it feels like disappearing
- Why achievement can never fill the hole: every win is proof, but it expires, so you chase the next one
- Where the belief "I only matter when I'm useful" usually starts: the helpful one, the good student, the one who didn't need anything
- Why "if it were right, it would be easy" is a lie: and what ease actually is when your business or your life isn't moving fast
- A simple three-part tool for catching it in real time: notice it, name it, remember
Listen to the full episode here
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SpotifyTop Takeaways on High-Functioning Anxiety and Self-Worth
1. When the doing stops, who are you?
I'm in a season right now where, to be honest, I'm not producing much. It's this really easy waiting game. I know a chapter of my life is ending, and my heart feels so ready for the next one. But the black and white, obvious next step hasn't shown up yet.
And in the waiting, I feel purposeless.
In theory, I know what my worth is. But it's like I still need to prove it. So when I'm not producing, who am I?
For a high-functioning woman, doing is the identity. There's a reason the tagline of this podcast is for high-functioning women. So when the doing stops, even for a season, it doesn't feel like rest. It feels like disappearing.
You can be exactly where you're supposed to be and still feel like you're falling behind.
It's like the energizer bunny running in the background. Going and going and going. This constant hum of I need to be doing, I need to be doing. And being turned on all the time does not feel good.
Are you in a season right now where something is ending, and you don't know what's next?
2. I know my worth, I just keep forgetting
Here's what I can't stop laughing about.
The same day I had my tarot reading, I led a group hypnosis. There were 10, 15 people in the room. I took them through this really amazing imagery experience, and afterwards each one shared how it impacted them, out loud, in front of everyone.
Two, three hours later, I go upstairs to the tarot reader and I ask, am I serving the world with my gifts? Am I even reaching anyone?
Hello. You just sat in a room full of proof. What more evidence am I fucking looking for?
And within three hours, I forgot. I went right back to poor me. Am I enough? Am I producing? Am I serving? Is anyone even listening?
Every one of those thoughts grows out of one belief. Like a tree, the branches look different, but it's one root.
For me the branches sounded like, I should have more clients. I should have more money. If this is aligned with my soul's purpose, shouldn't it be fruitful? If I'm not creating or serving, am I just wasting my time? And the root under all of it is, I only matter when I'm showing up and serving others.
This is the work I teach. And it's also my medicine.
3. High-functioning anxiety isn't a personality. It's a belief system.
The belief is that my worth is a transaction. The doing, the helping, the achieving, the being noticed. That's how she earns her place.
And look at the culture we're in. You need to be seen on social media. You need to be seen everywhere. And if you're not making a million dollars a year, who are you? All the courses and the coaching that teach you how to make all this money, believe me, I've taken them. And I was still searching for my worth as a transaction.
When I first came out of the hellhole of my panic attacks, I created a level of worthiness that was so amazing. And yet it has layers. It doesn't just leave unless I catch it in real time.
Achievement can never fill the hole. Every event, every goal, every win is proof, but it expires. So then you chase the next one.
And the anxiety that comes with high-functioning? It's the alarm that goes off whenever she stops paying attention.
So you're not lazy. You're proving your worth. And you were never supposed to have to.
4. That little girl figured out how to matter
So why do we feel like we have to achieve to be noticed?
Somewhere we learned that love, safety, and attention come with performing. Maybe you were the helpful one. The good student. The responsible one. The one who didn't need anything.
For me, so much of it goes back to dance. When my teacher called me out for doing a good job, that was validation. Okay. Dance harder. Be the perfect dancer. And if I do this, then I'll get acknowledged.
It wasn't wrong. It's just what we figured out would create acknowledgement, success, and worth for ourselves. It's an agreement we made about who we are. But it's also a lie we agreed to and now believe.
That little girl figured out how to matter. And she's still doing it 30 years later, but fucking exhausted.
Which one were you?
5. When your worth is tied to your business
In my reading, the Tower card came up. It's about burning down what's been built and letting it go. And sometimes what has to fall is the identity built on earning your worth. Even saying that doesn't feel easy. It feels like loss.
I was sharing with my husband about this forgetting who I am. Four and a half years ago I left the salon, and he graciously took over being the breadwinner so I could build my business. And here we are, and I'd still say my business isn't thriving yet. I'm being vulnerably honest with you.
When I left, my hair business was super successful. I was the breadwinner for a lot of our relationship. So who am I now if I'm not contributing in that way?
That one makes me want to cry.
A few months ago a friend asked me, well, don't you think if this was in alignment with what you're supposed to do, it would be fruitful? And it choked me up. Because the next thought was, this isn't fruitful, so this must not be what I'm supposed to be doing. If it were right, it would be easy.
But the last card pulled was the Empress. She's the one planting the seeds. Incubation. The waiting. A fertile season where nothing has broken through yet.
Ease is how it feels inside, not how fast things move around you or how fruitful they are. The fruit comes in its season.
Enough isn't a finish line. It's where you're already standing. Your worth was set way before you ever did anything, and nothing you do or don't do can take it away or add to it. A quiet season isn't a wasted season. It's a retreat. We go on retreat to recalibrate, to plant the seeds, to reflect.
So where do you need to retreat in your own life, instead of doing?
How to Stop Feeling Guilty When You Rest: Notice It, Name It, Remember
Here's the tool I'm using in my own life right now. It's simple, and you can start tonight.
Step 1: Notice the body first.
The forgetting usually shows up physically before it turns into thoughts. Heaviness. Restlessness. The urge to do something. Scrolling. Comparing. For me, it's when I'm home alone and I want to pick up my phone, not even to scroll, just to see what's going on. That's avoiding being present. Learn what your signals are.
Step 2: Name it.
Okay. I'm feeling like I need to be productive. Or, I'm feeling like this isn't enough because it hasn't brought in enough money. Whatever it is, just name it. Naming it turns it into a thought you're having instead of the truth about who you are.
Step 3: Remember.
What's the remembering statement you want to claim? Reach for something that proves the belief isn't true. Maybe it's a moment your heart felt wide open.
Step 4: Keep your proof somewhere you can find it.
After my group hypnosis, I reached out to the women and asked if they'd send me a voice memo or text about their experience. Yes, I can use those as testimonials. But I really needed them for me. I saved them on my phone so in the times I forget who the fuck I am, I can turn to them and remember.
And one loving truth. It doesn't have to look perfect. Every time you interrupt the loop, you're rewiring it. You just have to catch it a little sooner each time.
Common Patterns to Watch For
- Filling the quiet so you don't have to feel it. Picking up your phone, starting one more project, adding one more thing to the calendar. That isn't productivity. That's the old program trying to earn your place back.
- Using results as proof of your worth. If your worth rises and falls with the money, the clients, or the downloads, every slow week will feel like a verdict on who you are.
- Taking in someone else's "if it were right, it would be easy." A well-meaning comment can turn into a belief that you're on the wrong path, when really you're in a season that hasn't fruited yet.
- Forgetting the proof you already have. You can hold the evidence in your hands and still lose it three hours later. That doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're human, and the belief runs deep.
None of this means you're broken. It means you learned a long time ago that you had to earn your place, and what you learned, you can put down.
Reflect on This
- Why do I feel guilty when I rest, even when I'm exhausted?
- Why do I feel worthless when I'm not productive?
- How do I stop tying my self-worth to my business?
- If you weren't producing, helping, doing, serving, or achieving anything this week, who would you be?
I would love to hear. Send me a DM and tell me: what would you do this week if you already believed you were worthy?
Send Me Your Story
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
- My tarot reading, and the cards that came up: the Page of Swords, the Tower, the Nine of Swords, and the Empress
- The group hypnosis I led at my workout community's fifth birthday celebration
- Saving testimonials and voice memos as your own proof for the days you forget
- More episodes on high-functioning anxiety on the FUCK Anxiety podcast page
- Your free tool: When the hum kicks in and you can't sit still without feeling guilty, start with the Free 5 Minute Nervous System Reset. It's a guided hypnotic meditation you can use in the moment, to interrupt the old pattern and let your body remember it's safe to just be.
- If you're ready to go deeper, let's map it out together. Book a Freedom Roadmap Session. No pitch. No pressure. Just clarity.
Work With Me
If you're tired of trying to earn your place, and you know your worth but keep forgetting it the minute you slow down, you don't have to keep catching it alone.
What I gave the women at my group hypnosis was a general experience. I didn't know what each of them was feeling in real time. In 1:1 sessions, it's completely different. Sometimes I'll have you speak back to me what you're experiencing, and then I get to take it deeper. We go back to the first time that little girl learned this is who she had to be to be worthy, and we give her what she needed to hear instead.
What changes is the hum. That energizer bunny running underneath the surface all the time gets quiet. You get to rest without guilt, wait without panic, and know your worth without having to prove it.
And if this episode met you where you are, do me a favor. Follow the show, download it, and leave a review on Apple Podcasts so another woman who feels exactly like you do can find it.
You're not broken. You're not behind. And you're not alone. If you made it here, that means something.
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love you, Sari