Ep.67 Why Do I Feel Emotionally Numb? The Subconscious Program Inside

1The numbness is not a doing problem. It is a love for yourself problem.

I came home exhausted as fuck. End of year PTA treasurer stuff, the kind of thing I always overcommit myself to. My girls were home, I had been gone, and the last place I wanted to be was stuck doing that thing instead of being with them.

So I walked in reactive. The first thing out of my mouth was about my oldest not putting her phone where it belongs. She got upset. She had every right to be.

The next morning we talked, and it had nothing to do with the phone. It was this belief she carries that her younger sister gets acknowledged more. That she does all the homework, all the chores, picks up the house, and her sister gets to sit on the couch and eat chips. And underneath all of it was the quiet ache of not feeling loved enough.

That is the same ache underneath the numbness. When you are doing everything right and still feel not full, not satisfied, almost flat, it is never a doing problem. It is a love for yourself problem.

We have to love ourselves before anyone else can ever love us. I could shower her with love constantly, all day, every day, and she still would not feel it, because the gap is not out there. It is inside.

2You made a program you do not even remember making.

Here is the thing about these beliefs. You did not sit down one day and consciously decide that love has to be earned. Nobody does. It got written in early, somewhere between birth and eight or nine years old, when your subconscious was forming.

And I will take some ownership here, because during those years for my oldest, I was anxiety ridden. Chronic panic. Chronic fight or flight. Chronic control. I was the model. It is hard to witness, because I see the things I used to carry showing up in her now.

But that is not a reason for shame. It is the invitation. We got where we are some way. The real question is, do we want to stay there? And how long do we want to stay?

You are not broken for carrying an old program. You just never got to see it until now.

3The program is running 95% of the show, and that is why you feel like you are on autopilot.

Think about driving your car and somehow arriving at your destination without remembering the drive. That is a subconscious program. The thoughts that roll through your mind that you are not even choosing, the automatic ones, that is the 95% running everything.

That autopilot is exactly where the numbness lives. You are functioning, doing, going, but not really present. Not really feeling.

So you can see why doing more never works. Doing more is the program. Every time you prove your worth, you reinforce the belief that it needed proving in the first place.

And it is wearing you out. Imagine the energy of the constant going, going, going. The Energizer bunny who never gets to stop, trying to earn love through accomplishment. Of course your nervous system is overrun. Of course you feel anxious and numb at the same time.

4You cannot think your way out of a subconscious program.

This is exactly why I do subconscious work. Why I use hypnosis.

We can speak to that 95% so much better in a hypnotic state than we can in our rationalizing, conscious mind. You can know something is true and still not feel it in your body. That gap between knowing and feeling is where so many women get stuck, and it is a huge part of why everything feels muted.

So picture it. What would your nervous system feel like if you just stopped? Not because you finished the list. Not because you earned it. But because you are already loved.

A lot of us do not even know what that feels like. We have been so conditioned to do in order to be loved that stillness feels scary. Because when we stop, everything we have been outrunning finally gets to come up. So we built a whole world out of distraction, and distraction is a big part of why we go numb.

But what if dealing with it, sitting in it, feeling it, releasing it, is the actual ticket to feeling alive again?

5It is the tiny thoughts, not the dramatic moments.

This is not a quick fix, and I will never sell you one. A powerful hypnotic experience can knock the screw loose. It can show you something new about yourself. But the real change is in what you do with it the next day.

We have 60,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day, and most of them are the same ones we had yesterday. The program does not reinforce itself in big dramatic moments. It does it quietly, all day long, in the thoughts that pass in a second.

"I should have done more. She loves her more. I am not enough if I just sit here."

That is the program talking. Catching those tiny thoughts before they run the show is the whole work.

Step 1: Name one agreement that is not loving to you

Just one. It might sound like "I have to earn my place." Or "I am not useful, so I am not wanted." Or "if I slow down, everything falls apart." Or "no one will show up for me, so I cannot stop." That last one is a sure sign of control.

Step 2: Notice how you are seeing the whole world through it

Once you name the belief, look at how it colors everything. Are you moving through your day believing you are only loved when you are acknowledged, only safe when everyone else is happy?

Step 3: Flip it

If you replaced that agreement with unconditional love for yourself, what would you believe instead? How would you move through your day if there were zero conditions, zero limitations, and everything was already working out in your favor?

Step 4: Meet the version of you who made it

Take a slow breath in for four, out for six, twice. Then picture the version of you who first made that agreement. How old was she? What was happening around her that made her decide she had to earn love? See her with the same compassion you would give your own daughter sitting across the table. She was just trying to feel safe. She was just trying to feel loved. And she always was loved.

I would love to hear. Send me a DM and tell me the one agreement you are ready to put down.